Barack — I can’t believe it, but another holiday season’s here and, with it, the iceball of half-truths and dirty tricks that are my in-laws’ calling card.

Won’t you send me $50 via PayPal?

Minutes ago, my wife Andrea revealed the text message that – without your help – will seal my holiday fate: “We [Lloyd and Harriet Goodwin of Clearwater] are getting ‘his and hers’ knee replacements,” courtesy of LivingSocial, on November 15. Before this revelation, I pegged my chances for a restful, in-law free, and home-bound season of thanks and Target/Jesus worship at roughly 95%, but the knee gambit has driven that figure into the low 50s – well within the margin of error for multiple unbudgeted and… let’s say “un-festive” journeys to Florida between now and December. “They need us,” my wife says, her eyes welling Continue reading “Actual pre-election appeal to POTUS: Do you have my back, Barack?*” →