Barack Obama – Derek Hills

Barack — I can’t believe it, but another holiday season’s here and, with it, the iceball of half-truths and dirty tricks that are my in-laws’ calling card.

Won’t you send me $50 via PayPal?

Minutes ago, my wife Andrea revealed the text message that – without your help – will seal my holiday fate: “We [Lloyd and Harriet Goodwin of Clearwater] are getting ‘his and hers’ knee replacements,” courtesy of LivingSocial, on November 15. Before this revelation, I pegged my chances for a restful, in-law free, and home-bound season of thanks and Target/Jesus worship at roughly 95%, but the knee gambit has driven that figure into the low 50s – well within the margin of error for multiple unbudgeted and… let’s say “un-festive” journeys to Florida between now and December. “They need us,” my wife says, her eyes welling Continue reading “Actual pre-election appeal to POTUS: Do you have my back, Barack?*” →

As a Yankees fan, I enjoy the paroxysms of hatred that my kind inspires in nearly everyone else who follows baseball. Now let’s set aside for a second that Yankees fans are essentially arrogant dicks who couldn’t hit a fastball if it meant a million bucks. And let’s forget, too, how they take credit for every Derek Jeter single and throw “we” around as if they personally contributed to every glowing accomplishment in Yankees history. They’re not grammarians, you know? They’re fanatics – high on mildewy successes from yesteryear and a gilded future that seems their birthright, never mind the team’s AARP-eligible roster, overpriced talent, and the sinking feeling that, maybe, the Yankees aren’t what they used to be. Yet still… Continue reading “We voted for Wealth Inequality in America” →