Actual pre-election appeal to POTUS: Do you have my back, Barack?*

Barack — I can’t believe it, but another holiday season’s here and, with it, the iceball of half-truths and dirty tricks that are my in-laws’ calling card.

Won’t you send me $50 via PayPal?

Minutes ago, my wife Andrea revealed the text message that – without your help – will seal my holiday fate: “We [Lloyd and Harriet Goodwin of Clearwater] are getting ‘his and hers’ knee replacements,” courtesy of LivingSocial, on November 15. Before this revelation, I pegged my chances for a restful, in-law free, and home-bound season of thanks and Target/Jesus worship at roughly 95%, but the knee gambit has driven that figure into the low 50s – well within the margin of error for multiple unbudgeted and… let’s say “un-festive” journeys to Florida between now and December. “They need us,” my wife says, her eyes welling Continue reading “Actual pre-election appeal to POTUS: Do you have my back, Barack?*”

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Protect DC’s tree canopy! C’mon, bros – it’s easy!

Fellas… FELLAS! May I call you fellas? Look, I know what it’s like…

It’s 3 a.m., the lights have come up at the sports bar – even though there’s a West Coast game still in progress! – and management is cranking Sinatra’s “New York, New York” to nudge you out the door. You look for the girl you’ve been macking on ALL NIGHT, but now she’s hanging on a guy wearing a blue cap and Schlitz t-shirt and shouting “Wright’s back, baby! Wright’s back!” in an endless loop. Continue reading “Protect DC’s tree canopy! C’mon, bros – it’s easy!”

This design misstep will make you think twice about buying business cards

I’ve reached the point, apparently, where people* in certain (microscopic) segments of the DC theater community expect me to carry an arts-specific business card.  It’s not that they’re unimpressed with my daytime business card (where “Project Manager” trails after my name), they** say.  No.  It’s just that, well, they’d take me a little more seriously as an artist if I passed around little pieces of paper stock featuring my headshot and other vital information.  Like all actors do.

The first time someone*** asked for my business card Continue reading “This design misstep will make you think twice about buying business cards”

Storytelling with SpeakeasyDC: Going Viral

The video from my latest storytelling performance is now available!

Here’s the setup:  I’m a put-upon tweener, the oldest of five kids, and long for the day when I’m all grown up and those needy rug rats are out of my life.  I try to act big by hanging out with the older boys up the street, but I cross one of them and he destroys something that I hold very dear.  All is lost, and then a surprising person rises to my aid…

My Czech TV debut!

Well, “C.T.” – my new favorite European correspondent – was as good as his word. I made the Czech TV news on 10/16! Perhaps my dream of doing a Czech gum commercial is still a possibility?  I await their communique…

Til then, here’s the whole package.  My segment starts at around 1:35 in…  And here’s my interlocutor:

Martin Reznicek

The federal government shutdown, in one chart…

By Day 15 of the US government shutdown, all story lines had been exhausted.  We’d heard about indignant park rangers, shuttered memorials, and furloughed feds (and pre-schoolers), and seen hundreds of tiny outrages cataloged in social media among our so-called friends.  Hardships were documented, political tactics assessed, jeremiads delivered, your shutdown in 720 degrees.  All that remained was the end game, with haggard journos spying the Capitol dome for a puff of white smoke, the signal that, yes, a deal had been done.

But until then, new angles had to be found!  I guess that’s why I got an email Continue reading “The federal government shutdown, in one chart…”

The Virgin Diaries: check out my feature in the Washington City Paper

I’ve been working hard on my one-man storytelling show, No Sex, Please, which premieres Friday, July 12 at the 2013 Capital Fringe Festival.  I’m very excited and can’t wait for the show to open – it covers my bumbling experiences with love and sex from my formative years on through to my mid-twenties.  Long story short:  I was a virgin until I was nearly 28-years-old.

Go here to learn more about the show and my process (read: struggle) to create it – AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS! – in my feature for the City Paper. Continue reading “The Virgin Diaries: check out my feature in the Washington City Paper”

I am not Tobias Funke: a walk down the doppelganger* trail…

Uh-oh – there it is again. That shimmying vapor that is the Hypnagogic Portal! Step though with me, friends, to see what lies on the other side… But be warned – the vapor is not without its hallucinogenic effects…!

1982

Whoa! It’s Jason Bateman! But not the revitalized, culturally-relevant Jason Bateman from Arrested Development. No way. This is the Bateman from Silver Spoons, he of the swooping feathered hair and hellion mien that shuddered the hearts of moms everywhere during the Reagan ‘80s. That guy. I see him Continue reading “I am not Tobias Funke: a walk down the doppelganger* trail…”

We voted for Wealth Inequality in America

As a Yankees fan, I enjoy the paroxysms of hatred that my kind inspires in nearly everyone else who follows baseball.  Now let’s set aside for a second that Yankees fans are essentially arrogant dicks who couldn’t hit a fastball if it meant a million bucks.  And let’s forget, too, how they take credit for every Derek Jeter single and throw “we” around as if they personally contributed to every glowing accomplishment in Yankees history.  They’re not grammarians, you know?  They’re fanatics – high on mildewy successes from yesteryear and a gilded future that seems their birthright, never mind the team’s AARP-eligible roster, overpriced talent, and the sinking feeling that, maybe, the Yankees aren’t what they used to be.  Yet still… Continue reading “We voted for Wealth Inequality in America”

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