I’ve reached the point, apparently, where people* in certain (microscopic) segments of the DC theater community expect me to carry an arts-specific business card. It’s not that they’re unimpressed with my daytime business card (where “Project Manager” trails after my name), they** say. No. It’s just that, well, they’d take me a little more seriously as an artist if I passed around little pieces of paper stock featuring my headshot and other vital information. Like all actors do.
The first time someone*** asked for my business card, I appropriated a cocktail napkin and wrote down only the most essential personal data, my name and email address (a woefully gangsta popmail address at that!), before placing the napkin down on the bar. But I put it down in an invisible pool of some sort and the ink almost immediately drained away from my pen strokes, dissolving my contact info as if reflecting a cosmic judgment on my theater career. I resolved then to scrounge up something more professional.
But of course I didn’t. I mean, I hadn’t had a business card for the arts in five years easing my way into the DC scene, so why did I need one now? Who cares what some people**** think? I still wear the same Birkenstocks Continue reading
The video from my latest storytelling performance is now available!
Here’s the setup: I’m a put-upon tweener, the oldest of five kids, and long for the day when I’m all grown up and those needy rug rats are out of my life. I try to act big by hanging out with the older boys up the street, but I cross one of them and he destroys something that I hold very dear. All is lost, and then a surprising person rises to my aid…
Well, “C.T.” – my new favorite European correspondent – was as good as his word. I made the Czech TV news on 10/16! Perhaps my dream of doing a Czech gum commercial is still a possibility? I await their communique…
Til then, here’s the whole package. My segment starts at around 1:35 in… And here’s my interlocutor:
By Day 15 of the US government shutdown, all story lines had been exhausted. We’d heard about indignant park rangers, shuttered memorials, and furloughed feds (and pre-schoolers), and seen hundreds of tiny outrages cataloged in social media among our so-called friends. Hardships were documented, political tactics assessed, jeremiads delivered, your shutdown in 720 degrees. All that remained was the end game, with haggard journos spying the Capitol dome for a puff of white smoke, the signal that, yes, a deal had been done.
But until then, new angles had to be found! I guess that’s why I got an email from a well-connected friend of mine, last week, with the subject “Talking to the Post?” I had just woken up and was a little bleary-eyed, but I gathered that a reporter was looking for federal contractors
impacted affected by the shutdown. I thought, “Ha, the press!” and went to the bathroom. But then I caught myself in the mirror – my hair was a-frazzle and I was wearing just boxers and an A-shirt. The clock said 2 p.m. Wait a minute… I’m a furloughed contractor! Maybe the reporter and I should talk. So I responded to the note – keywords New Zealand, Leave Without Pay – and in minutes I was on the phone chatting up a real-life Postie ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS. My mother would die.
The reporter fired her questions away, her keyboard clacking like an abacus at fiscal-year end. Had I changed my spending habits? Were my savings at risk? Would I list my spare room on Airbnb? Continue reading
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Czech TV, Federal Shutdown, Furlough, Government Shutdown, Leave Without Pay, Malcolm X Park, Meridian Hill Park, New Zealand, Piers Morgan, Piers Morgan Tonight, US Government Shutdown, Vacation, Washington Post
I’ve been working hard on my one-man storytelling show, No Sex, Please, which premieres Friday, July 12 at the 2013 Capital Fringe Festival. I’m very excited and can’t wait for the show to open – it covers my bumbling experiences with love and sex from my formative years on through to my mid-twenties. Long story short: I was a virgin until I was nearly 28-years-old.
Go here to learn more about the show and my process (read: struggle) to create it – AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS! – in my feature for the City Paper.
I’ve been storytelling for four years now and am grateful to everyone at SpeakeasyDC, Story League, and Better Said Than Done for helping me hone my craft and, more importantly, for their friendship. After 17 years in DC, they’ve made the place new and I’m forever indebted. Special thanks to Kevin Boggs, Chuck Na, Vijai Nathan, Jason Pittman, Joe Price, Scott Shrake, and Anne Thomas for their generosity and feedback over the past four months as No Sex, Please has gradually come together.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged & Afterwards, Better Said Than Done, Capital Fringe Festival, DC, Derek Hills, Kevin Boggs, No Sex Please, SpeakeasyDC, Story League, Storytelling, Virginity
Uh-oh – there it is again. That shimmying vapor that is the Hypnagogic Portal! Step though with me, friends, to see what lies on the other side… But be warned – the vapor is not without its hallucinogenic effects…!
Whoa! It’s Jason Bateman! But not the revitalized, culturally-relevant Jason Bateman from Arrested Development. No way. This is the Bateman from Silver Spoons, he of the swooping feathered hair and hellion mien that shuddered the hearts of moms everywhere during the Reagan ‘80s. That guy. I see him surrounded by elementary-age girls waving 8×10 glossies and standing on the trampled carcass of Rick(y) Schroeder.
Jason! Jason! Ah, he can’t hear me. Wait, who’s that girl on the periphery, with the olive skin and doughnut in hand? Helen? “Oh my God!” she says and smacks me violently in the shoulder. (Only it doesn’t hurt; must be the vapors.) “You look like Derek Taylor!” The din quiets and heads turn my way. Samantha, my first crush, pushes through the crowd and lays her hands on my face to feel its contours, as if she’s blind. Bateman is just waiting there on his Greek column, smiling dumbly, waving his Sharpie with the gusto of a deranged bureaucrat. His t-shirt says “BODACIOUS” in day-glo orange. Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Personal History
Tagged Arrested Development, Bateman, Clark, David Cross, Dead Poets, Dead Poets Society, Dean Cain, Derek Taylor, Jason Bateman, Lois, Neil, Neil Perry, Rick Schroeder, Ricky Schroeder, Robert Sean Leonard, Segway, Silver Spoons, Superman, Tobias, Tobias Funke
As a Yankees fan, I enjoy the paroxysms of hatred that my kind inspires in nearly everyone else who follows baseball. Now let’s set aside for a second that Yankees fans are essentially arrogant dicks who couldn’t hit a fastball if it meant a million bucks. And let’s forget, too, how they take credit for every Derek Jeter single and throw “we” around as if they personally contributed to every glowing accomplishment in Yankees history. They’re not grammarians, you know? They’re fanatics – high on mildewy successes from yesteryear and a gilded future that seems their birthright, never mind the team’s AARP-eligible roster, overpriced talent, and the sinking feeling that, maybe, the Yankees aren’t what they used to be. Yet still… the Yankees!
But if Yankees fans are a deluded people, it’s a delusion I think many Americans can relate to. (We’re exceptional!) Why else would that video on wealth inequality, which has been popping up on my Facebook feed with the urgent frequency of an undersold comedy show, seem like such a revelation? Has everyone spaced out on the past 30 years? (Doubtful – do you KNOW my friends?) Rather, many of my peeps are simply batting around another beach ball approved by the echo chamber at the Center-Left Resort and Spa. “Here’s something to think about,” they say, in the polite, intellectual way that laments the chasm between the ultra-rich and “middle class” Continue reading
Posted in Politics - US, Washington
Tagged America, Barack Obama, contributions, Democrats, Harvard, income inequality, Mitt Romney, Obama, Occupy DC, Occupy Wall Street, redistribution, redistricting, Republicans, Romney, third party, wealth inequality, Wealth Inequality in America, Yankees